U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So squirting runs in the family.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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