There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
