Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
