Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
a search helicopter?!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
