so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Alive.
So much puke
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
