Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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