We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
