The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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