It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My vagina just recognized that song.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
