It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
