just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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