I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
