I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
