I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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