I wish you could order shots online.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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