i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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