All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
