Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
