Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You are a genius and a whore.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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