I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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