Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
