At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
