Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
