i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
