i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
