im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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