Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
