I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
