I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
