my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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