How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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