Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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