Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
