Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
