god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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