You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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