So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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