He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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