update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
