hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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