It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
