I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
