dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
