all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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