the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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