I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
