This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He has the fingertips of a God
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