Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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