i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
