I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
