dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
