Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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