i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
