Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
