chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
