I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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