When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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