I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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