I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
