i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
